Tag Archives: brexit

The Indifference of the Irony Lady

Ever wondered what it would be like to peer into a parallel universe? No, me neither – but if you were ever sufficiently curious to take a peek through the looking glass then fear not. There’s no need for scientific quackery or appealing to the occult; not when you can just pop down to your local newsagents.

See the below case in point:

steel
I preferred the leather trousers.

Yeah, nobody bought it back then either; except perhaps for toadying careerists and the hopelessly entrenched. In any case, time has only served to amplify the absurdity of what was already an inherently ridiculous proclamation. Though May can’t cry foul about a lack of opportunity to prove her mettle – the ludicrous doodle above being perhaps the perfect example. The battle lines were drawn and the tough talk spewed but, now we can look upon proceedings in retrospect, it was ultimately May who yielded first – most likely because the potential success of her negotiating strategy hinged entirely on the EU falling for a bluff that was visible from Jupiter.

However, Brexit being ever the malfunctioning drainage system, spurting out endless torrents of shit for some hapless patsy to clear up, there’s barely a day that goes by without a split pipe for Theresa to fix – or at least attempt to. So what better way to sway public mood and attempt to live up to a preposterously inaccurate caricature than by taking a strong stance on the recent and increasingly disconcerting allegations of skulduggery by the Vote Leave campaign? I mean nobody likes skulduggery, so surely May has to drop that hypothetical (and indeed, hyperbolic) iron fist of hers, right?

wontderail
She’s got a point. There’s no such thing as ‘allegatiions’.

Oh.

You could just look upon this as so far so predictable before your mind moves swiftly onto its next object of vague disgruntlement, but by doing so you’d be missing out on an absolute goldmine of diversionary blatherings – perfectly encapsulated by the following quote which is perhaps the quintessential Theresa May non-answer for all time:

quote

Yes, all your old favourites are here. Starting off with a standard “Can I simply say…” before setting up the finale with the classic promise to be clear (very clear in fact). Then for those still paying attention, their focus is rewarded with an oh so typical sidestep cunningly disguised as a definitive answer – a staple of the May premiership.

When you’ve wiped away the tears and looked beyond May’s seemingly automated soundbites however, you begin to see something altogether more troubling – indifference.

It’s true that the Tories have never quite been held aloft as morally sound, bastions of empathy (a picture that in of itself can lead to a reaction of indifference from the electorate themselves) but, in this case especially, such an empty response to allegations of criminal activity simply cannot be swept under an increasingly conspicuous rug.

If such a brazen lack of concern wasn’t insane enough then factoring Theresa May herself into the mix adds a whole new layer of absurdity. It’s no secret that May backed Remain during the EU referendum campaign; granted you’ll not receive a reminder of this from May herself, but fortunately the vast repository known as the internet continues admirably in its role as a politician’s worst nightmare:

sign
If Theresa May didn’t add enough pizzazz, Bob Geldof was in the “In crowd” too.

See? She had a sign and everything. Taking this into account it seems almost laughable that Theresa is naive to Brexit being an act of folly and, with her response to allegations of foul play during the referendum campaign being little more than a dismissive shrug, the situation grows increasingly surreal. We’re bumbling towards a Brexit, a path we’re pursuing in stubborn defiance of all the warnings to turn back, led by a Prime Minister who, not only doesn’t actually believe in it, but outright refuses to pause for thought when it’s revealed that a result she didn’t want just may have been won illegally.

Sadly, we’re all along for the ride; gagged and chained on the backseat of a beat up Ford Escort, helpless to intervene as Nosferatu’s great aunt slams down on the accelerator with a cliff edge looming ahead. Obviously this is a pretty horrifying predicament to find ourselves in and, as our minds scurry between visions of fiery doom and chlorinated chicken, a lingering question remains. We know that the one driving the car is fully aware that what they’re doing is madness, so just why is she doing it? If her actions aren’t of her own design then who’s pulling the strings? What do they stand to gain?

What does Theresa May stand to gain?

dacre

I rest my case.

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Don’t wait for Labour to rescue us from Brexit – Jeremy isn’t coming

It’s been quite a hectic few days with regards the Brexit process. Not through decisive negotiations and the formulation of an actual plan of course, don’t be silly – but there has been a significant amount of impotent fiddlefucking on display. Owen Smith found himself unceremoniously sacked from the Shadow Cabinet for instance, exiled for espousing views that didn’t sit too harmoniously alongside the Brexit stance of his dear leader.

“Impotence” really does seem to be the prevailing theme of the day, the news littered with prominent, ostensibly powerful individuals being reduced to offering up meek excuses. They might not like Brexit, they likely view it as the festering swamp of deceit it’s been all along – but they can’t stop it. Or so they say at least. Makes you wonder why they bothered to become an MP in the first place, doesn’t it?

andrew adonis
Welcome to my fucking life.

Both Labour and the Tories seem united on that front, Brexit being an inevitability. This is largely the cause of a perceived lack of distinction between the two main parties – they may offer varying flavours of fatuous promises, but ultimately they’re both going to dump us head first into a septic tank come March 2019. Which septic tank you prefer is ultimately up to your own taste I guess.

However, such a perspective is far from universal – at least when it comes to Labour. We all know that those nasty, old Tories are eager to play the lemming and hurl themselves into the nearest abyss, but not Labour. They’re playing the long game; dabbling in a little four dimensional chess if you will. Labour, who ran on a manifesto promoting social justice and establishing a country that works for more than just the fortunate few, wouldn’t be so reckless as to continue with this preposterous Brexit idea. Corbyn, Starmer et al are just biding their time, concealing their real intentions with vacuous sloganeering, waiting for the right moment to unleash their coup de grace by stabbing the parasitic beast that is Brexit right in the fucking eye…

…aren’t they?

i'm sure th
Don’t worry Owen. I’m sure you and Jeremy will be able to laugh about this one day. Presumably over a glass of Russian Standard.

Whether you give any credence to this notion of Machiavellian subterfuge is ultimately down to how much you’re willing to ignore absolutely everything going on around you. But supposing it is true, that Corbyn is employing an absurdly risky gambit to grab victory from the jaws of Brexit, the real question you still need to ask yourself is “when?”

At time of writing we’re just over a year from Brexit D-Day – the 29th March. Given that we’ve spent the best part of two years lurching from one ill conceived Brexit proposal to another, our minds growing ever more crammed with misconception and outright fantasy, it does rather insistently beg the question as to when this masterstroke is to be unveiled. This isn’t a movie, I’m sure many of us would take salvation here and now rather than waiting until the dying moments of March the 28th for rescue. Sure, the idea is exciting and the inevitable nationwide joining of hands to sing Kumbaya in unison would make for a good closing scene as the credits start to roll but alas, I’m afraid to say such a notion doesn’t seem entirely plausible to me.

The truth of the matter is that the only people that can stop Brexit is the people. Like the One Ring, it can only be destroyed by its creator; in this case the British public – though for a sufficiently anti-Brexit demographic to rise they’re going to need to be informed. Standing at the pulpit and declaring that you’re going to deliver a “Jobs First Brexit” or some other such phantasmagorical proclamation might bring the cheers and adulation from the choir, but it does little to inform – instead only serving to bewilder them further as they wander endlessly through dreamland.

Even if it’s all ultimately just a ruse, you can’t take the winning shot without being ably assisted by the prevailing zeitgeist and that’s the sad reality of Labour’s Brexit stance – all roads still lead to Brexit. Sure there’s only two roads, with it being debatable as to whether the second even exists, but either way you’re still left with a rather dispiriting, binary outcome – submission or failure.

It is perhaps ironic, given that the likes of Arron Banks repeatedly crow on about how the Leave vote was won by appealing to emotion, that it’s the ‘feels over reals’ brigade who seem to subscribe to the idea that “Corbyn’s playing the long game” – and if you yourself are amongst them then fine. There’s probably little that I can do myself to convince you otherwise; but, as unshakeable as your faith that Labour will save us from Brexit may be, don’t forget to take a look outside at what’s actually going on every once in a while.

Otherwise you’re just trapped in a dreamland all of your own.

 

If you’ve never had a dream, you’ve never had a dream kick you in face

I like dreams. They’re nice aren’t they? Given life’s tendency to regularly shit out malodorous mounds of harsh reality upon our doorstep it’s a blessed relief to, every once in a while, retreat to the relatively safe confines of your head, immersing yourself in a dreamscape perfectly tailored to your own personal convenience.  Bad week at work? Finding yourself repeatedly foiled by your own innate lack of competence? Take a dose of that wonderful drug called delusion. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all need a break from the drudgery of own pitiful existence every once in a while. I sure as hell do. Why spend the day agonising over my latest, excruciating social faux pas when I can briefly drift off into a world where I’m erudite, charming and have access to a time machine? I don’t even have to get out of bed.

So there’s no real harm in it – at least providing you’re willing to come back to reality. Most of us do but, rather alarmingly, there have been some fairly prominent examples recently of those who chose to remain lost, forever scurrying blindly through the rabbit hole; searching in vain for the cheese that simply isn’t there.

DYfb_WZWAAEatxZ
They may say I’m a dreamer…

Ah, Jeremy Corbyn. It is perhaps the perfect irony that a man who’s spent his life working to make his dream a feasible reality has found that very same existence become characterised almost entirely by artifice. Should you wish to gaze upon Comrade Corbyn through the lens of mainstream media you could be forgiven for absorbing the impression that he’s a traitorous Commie who shot John Lennon. When you brush the clouds to one side however, the picture is a little different – though it cannot be denied that he’s still a curious character.

A mild mannered, private man who seems far more content pottering about in his allotment than courting favour with the media. Certainly not the norm for a politician but it’s still undeniably bewildering that he provokes such a reaction from all ends of the political and social spectrums. However, whether he’s met with worship or disgust, old Jeremy plods purposefully onward. Sure, deep down he probably just wants to get back home to his cabbages but nevertheless, he has his principles and nobody is going to deter him from his mission.

I can’t help but respect that and, subsequently, Jeremy himself. He’s not doing it for his career, he’s doing it because he actually gives a shit and feels his voice can guide us onto a more prosperous path. He runs on the ideals of hope, proclaiming that if we simply all work together then maybe…just maybe, things might actually turn out alright. He’s far from the first politician to do employ this approach of course, but he’s one of the few who leaves you in no doubt as to the decency of his intentions.

It is perhaps then no surprise that this message resonated so strongly with the whippersnapper portion of the electorate; bright, young things with a head full of dreams yet to be contaminated by the inevitable cynicism that comes with experience. Of course they’d buy into Corbyn’s vision of utopia – it sounds bloody marvellous and, to tell the truth, I’d be pretty much on board too were it not for one, fatal flaw.

jobsfirst
Reminds me of those ‘Life First’ napalm strikes the Americans used in the Vietnam War. Probably.

Yes, of course it was going to be Brexit. What else? There’s been nothing that even comes close to it in terms of excreting misinformation and fanciful delusions upon political discourse. The referendum campaign was an entire landfill of unrefined bullshit and you’d be foolish to consider that particular stench as consigned to the past – the idea that we can somehow implement a “Jobs First Brexit” being a recent example. Less fanciful than the Tory’s laughably absurd “Moon on a Stick Brexit” perhaps but, critically, it’s similarly fuelled by the fumes of fantasy alone.

It’s true that Corbyn is a dab hand at campaigning. He mesmerised many during the snap election of last year, recruiting many a young, fresh mind to his cause in a manner not witnessed for a considerable time. The fact that he managed to achieve a respectable result, sticking two fingers up to the naysayers and stabbing the Tory majority right through the heart in one seamless motion, was miraculous in of itself. He defied those who felt he was leading his Labour lambs straight to May’s nearest abattoir and finally proved his credentials as a vaguely plausible source of opposition.

However, for all his brilliance on the campaign trail, he now appears to have bitten off far more than anyone could possibly chew. Unless he can explain how he plans to achieve a “Jobs First Brexit” when he’s set to dive head first into this cavalcade of shit:

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Long story short – we’ll be worse off with ANY flavour of Brexit. Even caramel.

I respect Corbyn. I’m far from being a Corbynite though, by the same token, I’m nowhere near the mindset that a Corbyn premiership would bring about our gruesome demise either. Despite my general indifference towards the bloke, there have even been times where I’ve found myself drawn to his charms without ever quite dropping over to his side of the fence – the deterrent in this case being his fanciful declarations on Brexit. Carrying the leitmotif of hope and aspiration is all well and good but it can’t achieve the impossible – and that’s precisely what the concept of a “Jobs First Brexit” is – impossible.

Dream all you want, oftentimes it can lead to priceless moments of insight and inspiration; but don’t get so lost in the clouds that you can’t see the facts lingering below. Even the nicest dreams can be punctured in an instant – often leaving you with both a heavy sense of shame and an ominous damp patch down the front of your pants.

 

 

Brexit – It makes sense if you really don’t think about it

Ever get cold feet? Ever found yourself living in a state of complacency; awaiting a troublesome yet seemingly distant event, only to be shocked into a state of sudden dread when it becomes painfully apparent that it’s now lurking right round the corner?

I’m sure you have. Suddenly shitting your pants upon the realisation that chronic procrastination is about to cost you is all part of the human experience. That particular sensation is perhaps something we’re all currently experiencing right now thanks to Brexit. The 29th of March 2019, once a far off time of little concern (“We’ll figure it out in the end”), is now little over a year away and, rather worryingly, the quest to “figure things out” is still haplessly spinning its wheels in the mud.

Now this is a cause for universal concern. Leaving the EU involves an absurd amount of ramifications and potential pitfalls. This is serious shit. The pound didn’t plummet when I quit the Beano Club; millions of people weren’t faced with the prospect of having their entire lives uprooted. My attempt to progress into adulthood didn’t matter – leaving the EU does.

So it’s up to us. Let’s face it, those in charge don’t have a fucking clue where they’re taking us. Maybe this entire Brexit caper isn’t actually worth it? Maybe we should do someth…wait, what’s that about George Soros?

nigel distraction
Oh good. Nigel’s on the telly again.

As if sensing the growing unease around Brexit, Arron Banks’ slippery foot soldier Nigel Farage is duly dispatched.

And how:

jointnigel
While your house gradually burns to the ground, Nigel thinks you should be more concerned about a rich resident installing a new swimming pool two towns over.

But wait? What has this got to do with anything? It seems that Nigel is decrying the notion of rich people having implicitly insidious influence over the course of global politics, craftily opting for the Remain backing George Soros as his exemplar as to shamelessly bolster the Farage narrative. However even the most subtle scratch beneath the surface will reveal that societal elites flexing their wealth in order to further a desired political agenda is an entirely universal practice – irrespective of which side of the political spectrum you care to glance towards.

So why even bother? Why even waste your time on a debate, so flawed in it’s concept, that it won’t even go anywhere? Wasn’t there something infinitely more important that we were supposed to be talking about?

See what happened there? See how the moment we’re finally on the cusp of realisation that, actually, Brexit might very well be a shit sandwich about to infiltrate every home in Britain another incongruous bogeyman is thrown into the arena? It’s only when the aforementioned bogeyman is led away (after you’ve been forced to meticulously explained as to why he’s got no reason for being there) that you realise that yet more precious seconds have ebbed away; seconds that, thanks for the artificially imposed deadline brought about by the triggering of Article 50, are in desperately short supply.

And, as you may have guessed, the Brexiteers are keenly aware of this:

distractions
With the ‘Good Brexit news’ pigeonhole once again empty, Leave.EU set about scraping one of their few remaining barrels.

When specific examples are viewed in isolation they indeed appear suitably ludicrous but, with widespread practice, it becomes an unnervingly effective tactic.

This is in essence a multi pronged attack. First it plays on the generally passive nature of the populace as a whole. The truth is that a hefty demographic of the people simply don’t give a shit about politics, with those that do often having their exposure limited by time constraints. There’s only so many hours in a day and, chances are, most folk wouldn’t wish to spend to many of theirs ingesting tales of supreme ineptitude – each detailing how their country is haplessly tumbling down the nearest open manhole (believe me, it’s fucking depressing). This is then coupled with exploitation of the over abundance of information on offer, leading anyone brave enough to wade in becoming immediately lost amidst the haze. When there’s thousands of sources at your disposal uncovering the credible can become an arduous task. I mean I’m fairly certain that Corbyn didn’t sell depleted uranium to Al Capone, but do I have the time or inclination to rifle through countless sources in order to uncover the truth? Probably not and neither do you but it’s become locked in my mind regardless and, with that state of befuddlement now firmly in place, it’s now time for the trump card to come into play – outrage.

We all love to be pissed off. Anger is a powerful driving force, effortlessly focusing your mind into a single line of thought. That self entitled dick who stole the last parking space at Tesco will occupy your brain for the next two hours, just think how furious you’d be if it were revealed that wealthy, unaccountable business men are trying to betray your democracy? Furious enough to set all other concerns to one side certainly, especially those that take some degree of effort to fully understand.

Finally, if all other means of distraction fail, they can simply cut to the chase and shut down the entire debate altogether. Anything to stop those irksomely curious plebs from poking too deep into their half baked schemes, right?

nothing to debate
Millions of potentially displaced citizens might not necessarily agree with the above sentiment.

It’s no coincidence that such strategies often emerge as a result of chaotic transitions and shambolic administrations. Just a cursory glance towards our friends in America will confirm this, with Mueller’s FBI inquiry into the Trump campaign’s possible collusion with the Russians becoming an increasingly prominent story. With new indictments being prepared as we speak and the net seemingly closing in around them, the Trump team must be feeling understandably antsy right about now. The pressure rising and the media questioning becoming ever the more intense, there’s only one course of action left for them to take – strap on their best poker face, proclaim they’ll “make America great again” and…hey, what’s that over there?

donaldtrumpjrdistraction
No it isn’t.

Pretty transparent, right? Of course, but its laughable nature becomes significantly less comforting when you see the results it can bring. After all, it’s arguable that the devilishly persistent “but what about her emails?” line of questioning played a fatal role in Clinton losing the 2016 election.

Look – when all’s said and done, which side of the battle lines you plant your flag upon is ultimately an irrelevance. The facts of the Brexit (or indeed, Russia) situation don’t shift. Reality doesn’t bend to the popular will and, as such, claiming “we won, you lost, get over it” is utterly meaningless. Once you’ve realised this, all there’s left for you to do is to look at the facts of the matter – facts that certain self styled “Brexit legends” might not be too keen on you having a rummage through.

So the next time you’re having a gander at the perpetual shambles going on around you, don’t allow yourself to become distracted just as an epiphany draws near. There’s a very good reason why the sleazy, would be used car salesman insistently tapping you on the shoulder doesn’t want you doing anymore of that pesky thinking.

Isn’t that right Donald?

blamefbi
You sir, are an utter cuntbiscuit.

Forget the polls, just have another referendum

It’s been a long time since the 23rd June 2016. Perhaps not in the chronological sense but certainly in terms of experience. A vote was held and a decision was made (albeit marginally) but are we really the same electorate over 18 months on?  After all, it wasn’t until after the results had come in that the majority of proclamations and promises were torn to the ground, often by those who had happily stood by such pledges merely a few days prior. There was scepticism sure, but nobody of prominence really seemed eager to attempt the killer blow, much less deliver it.

Circumstances have undeniably changed but the lingering question remains, have we? Do we still hold the same values? Have we been swayed by the ensuing omnishambles? Most crucially of all though, how would we vote now?

This final poser continues to haunt the debate, not least due to the echoing mantra of “Brexit is the will of the people” seeping into any and all discussions on the matter. Owing to its perceived trump card status, it’s especially understandable that the truth behind the claim is sought; whether to rebut or reinforce.

This is where polls come in.

I’ve touched upon polls before and how the actual results often don’t match the narrative that’s imposed upon them but a recent Twitter poll held by the Brexit backing Lord Ashcroft brought a certain quandary to the forefront of my mind once more.

result
“Resounding” doesn’t quite do this justice.

Ah, the second referendum question. This one’s been doing the rounds ever since we woke up to the 24th June 2016. Anger and incredulity were common themes, the former of which only grew in prominence the moment this particular charmer confirmed that many had been duped. As for the latter, it can’t be denied that there was a certain complacency amongst the Remain campaign as the referendum vote crept ever closer. There was a sense that, not only shouldn’t a Leave victory happen, it simply couldn’t. It was perhaps owing to this particular naivety that the Remain cause failed to land a fatal smackdown throughout the entire campaign, instead finding itself breezing somewhat passively from issue to issue – never really engaging in the matter at its core and preferring to offer up vague warnings should their advice remain unheeded. Almost as though it didn’t take its opponent entirely seriously.

Mistakes were made and whether it was through unwarranted assurance or misplaced trust in a cause, the instinctive reaction to a mistake is a desire to correct it.

Thus the movement for a second referendum was born, prompting sympathy and scorn in perhaps equal measure. However, even if the majority isn’t quite behind the cause, it would be foolish to ignore the rather significant demographic that are.

header
Remember this recent attempt for some semblance of control that was dismissed out of hand?

Of course it would be disingenuous of me to act as though there’s no counter viewpoint to this, that there’s not a significant number of hardline Leave voters who are desperate to unshackle from the nefarious EU as a matter of priority so we can ride off over the horizon of prosperity on our magic unicorns. I mock but hell, this petition to trigger Article 50 immediately edged out the ‘Referendum on the final deal’ petition by a fair few signatures. Which way the wind is blowing depends entirely on who you ultimately believe and therein lies the real problem.

We simply don’t fucking know.

 

brexittypepoll
If there isn’t a referendum on the final Brexit deal the 12% desperate for their McBrexit with fries will be left without a voice.

Right now the debate has become almost static, sure the steady stream of broken Brexit promises continue to filter through as the days drift by but it’s not quite as impactful as it once was. We’re creeping up to the two year mark since the referendum and the news that Brexit is actually shit isn’t really surprising anymore and, as such, the battleground has shifted. It now seems to be primarily concerned with second guessing as to which side of the fence public mood is currently leaning towards.

As such we find the discourse peppered with polls, petitions and questionnaires – almost to the point of parody. Furthering the farce, we’re also provided with hysterical displays of indignation when the result doesn’t quite go the way the original poster had envisioned.

rection
Boo! Sneaky old Remainers! Didn’t they realise that the ‘retweet’ option was for Leave voters only?

As hilarious as Ashcroft’s reaction and accompanying sophistry is, he does have a semblance of a point. Opinion polls are only representative of the people who acknowledge their existence long enough to bother voting in them and, in the case of Twitter polls at least, it then becomes more a battle to get the word out to those who subscribe to your views rather than an earnest endeavour to actually find out the truth of the matter. I don’t deny that it provides a small morsel of both satisfaction and assurance when an opinion poll suiting my desired narrative comes along but this is essentially cold comfort. The lack of any form of control whatsoever fatally dilutes the result and ultimately, irrespective of the message the outcome was supposed to convey, the trumpeted cause remains unfortunately stranded with its wheels ever spinning in the mud.

Not that this ever deters anyone mind, exponents from both sides of the argument will continue their quest to uncover what the British people really think – or at least try to paint a picture of what they want the British people to think.

Though curiously, despite such an apparently popular desire to uncover this information, there’s also a notion cropping up simultaneous to this that it ultimately doesn’t matter. That the British people spoke back on June 23rd 2016 and they stand by their decision. Those espousing such an idea are, by and large, members of the Brexit Bunch – each equipped with the results of their own Twitter polls that oh so obviously weren’t shared predominantly within anti-EU circles.

The trouble being that there’s an inherent contradiction afoot here.  A prevailing concept behind the entire Brexit campaign was the idea of the country (and by extension, its people) taking back control. So much so that it was the slogan for the official Leave campaign.

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Let’s take back control and never have a say on anything ever again. Right?

Forgive me for perhaps being obtuse but it’s rather baffling to me as to how you can be a self proclaimed bastion for democracy one moment, yet insist that a contentious issue is settled beyond doubt and no further input from the people is required the next. It’s often claimed that any attempt to undermine the referendum result, even in the form of a second vote, would be undemocratic though I’ve always found this argument to be patently absurd. I mean if a second referendum was put to the public and this time the majority opted for Remain that would surely be a democratic decision, right? If not then I’d be curious as to the justification behind how one vote can be less democratic than the one that preceded it. After all, a second referendum would inevitably be more informed; Brexit has remained a hot button issue to this day with time failing to heal the divide. You almost can’t help but assimilate the discussion as it rages on around you.

In closing I would simply say this. For every time you’re frustrated with the direction Brexit is taking make sure to ask yourself whether you’d like more control – irrespective of where your loyalties lie. If it’s control that you’re after then presumably you’d like an opportunity to express it in a meaningful way? If you find yourself answering in the affirmative once more then there’s only one thing that will satisfy your desire – a shiny new referendum, complete with all new choices and each potential consequence finely detailed. Best of all, unlike Ashcroft’s latest poll, the result actually has enough clout to potentially change something.

Unless of course, that’s too democratic for your tastes?

The people spoke. The government told them to fuck off.

Anyone that’s paid the slightest amount of attention to the current political zeitgeist will have noticed that even now, over a year since the referendum result, the Brexit bumblings show no signs of abating. We have Theresa May racking up air miles in aid of delivering speeches to nobody of any relevance, Labour conspiring to present their Brexit stance with all the clarity of a grease stained mirror and then there’s Boris Johnson who, having skulked away in the shadows as the post referendum carnage unfolded around him, now emerges from his lair with increasing regularity – slyly injecting obviously fallacious smegma into proceedings like only Boris can.

Perhaps understandably, this has left many of us peons feeling somewhat trapped aboard an apparently rudderless ship. Given how “the will of the people” had achieved mantra like status it seemed somewhat perplexing that “the people” had been cut adrift from the process so, naturally, a petition was started for a second referendum on the final Brexit deal.

It’s fair to say a significant demographic of “the people” made their voices heard.

header
Democracy in action – that’s what we all want, right?

The proposal itself was fairly simple – when the final terms of the Brexit deal are at long last known to all a second referendum is to be held offering the electorate three options:

  • To revoke Article 50, thereby keeping Britain in the EU
  • To reject the UK-EU deal and leave the EU
  • To accept the UK-EU deal and leave the EU

Perfectly clear, right? After seemingly decades of debate as to what was and wasn’t on the ballot paper on June 23rd 2016, it makes perfect sense to offer the British people a final say on the matter, only this time aided by a (hopefully) clear picture of the ramifications that will ultimately stem from their choice.

In any case, it more than exceeded the number of signatures required to trigger a Parliamentary debate.

debate

We didn’t actually have to wait too long for a response from the government, with the Department for Exiting the European Union no less providing the statement. Was it well received?

See for yourself.

reaction

Hmmm, I get the sneaking suspicion that I’m not going to like this very much but alas, this whole Brexit malarkey has hardly been an episode of Happy Days and Boris Johnson is most certainly not the Fonz.

So let’s all take a bite into this disconcertingly shitty sandwich that’s been served up from Westminster kitchens, shall we?

opening

Yeah…right off the bat we all know where this is fucking going. The 23rd of June seems to have taken on an almost mythical place in the timeline of history, being held aloft as an apparently infallible beacon of intent. As though it was the specific moment in time where the zeitgeist became locked in stasis, never to be shifted by the emergence of progressive thought or the transient nature of circumstance. Of course such bullshit can be sniffed out and exposed by pretty much anyone who has ever noticed that life isn’t exactly the same from one day to the next.

Despite this however, it hasn’t stopped the very same government charged with ensuring our nation’s prosperity churning it out as though it were an automated email response triggered by the term “Brexit” appearing in David Davis’ inbox.

Considering that (from an ideological standpoint) Brexit was heralded as “the people” finally being able to hold those atop the hierarchy accountable, you could be forgiven for feeling you’d been duped. After all, if a government can arbitrarily wave away the concerns of the electorate, you can safely assume that accountability isn’t on their mind.

Still, let’s see how they attempt to justify this stance.

2nd paragraph

Ah yes, now this is something that comes up a lot. “In the 2017 General Election more than 85% of people voted for parties committed to respecting that result” Unsettled by the notion that public mood has shifted, Leavers will reach for this statistic first. In the time since the Brexit vote poll results have varied wildly, not to mention having had their results rather dubiously extrapolated in order to serve certain narratives. So, with a recent general election having taken place, people have finally got some ‘official’ data to muse over – but is their interpretation here accurate?

A look back to 2015 throws out a few hints.

how parties voted
4% of UKIP voters, a party with the sole mission of leaving the European Union, opted for Remain. This blows my fucking mind.

First things first you have to acknowledge that old data is being examined here, with the 2016 EU referendum results being contrasted with those of the 2015 General Election, but that’s not to say that there’s nothing worthwhile to pick at – the most crucial remnant being the Tory split. Despite being the party that promised the blasted referendum in the first place (for entirely cynical reasons of course), it didn’t deter the pro-EU demographic of Tory backers from sticking with the party and why would it? Party manifestos are crafted with an entire spectrum of issues in mind. Attempting to draw a tenuous equivalence between Labour/Tory voters in 2017 and the Leave cause is rather disingenuous to say the least. Whilst both parties essentially backed the proposal to leave the EU based upon the referendum result, the truth is that Brexit became somewhat of a side issue – lost amidst visions of prospective social justice and the Tory party conspiring to run perhaps the most laughably inept election campaign in living memory.

Further to this, Labour’s muddled and seemingly ever changing Brexit stance seemed to draw perhaps surprising support from many a Remainer. I mean sure, they’re still ultimately angling to follow through with the Leave vote, but their somewhat tangential position is far more comforting than the Tory’s apparent desire to fling the nation into the abyss as though it were a blind and confused lemming. It showed a willingness to be flexible at least and one could argue that such a gambit from Labour backing Remainers may have not been entirely misguided – not with the Labour brand of Brexit softening by the day.

As if that weren’t enough to demonstrate why the whole “85% voted for Brexit in 2017” argument is critically flawed, you’ve also got to consider the overwhelming support Labour received from younger demographic.

And we all know how our nation’s whippersnappers voted in the EU referendum…

young voters

Anyway, back to the bilge.

3rd paragraph

Now this might on the surface appear to be yet more yawnsome platitudes from a government with a finger rammed into each ear but don’t dismiss it so quickly. Otherwise you’d miss the author getting his foot trapped in his mouth so perfectly it’s almost as though the entire response was intended as a piece of irksome satire.

“Rather than second guess the British people’s decision to leave the European Union, the challenge is to now make a success of it”

Maybe I’m just a traitorous simpleton but…I’d have thought a second referendum on the final deal would have been a further safeguard against the British people being second guessed. You know, as opposed to blindly going along with a vote that was won on lies over a year ago?

Just a fucking thought.

final

To reduce the risk of giving myself a brain aneurysm I’ve opted to tackle the closing statements all in one go. Not that there’s really a lot to see here, unless endless waffle riddled with flimsy justifications is your sort of thing.

I won’t deny that when viewed in isolation certain points here seem fair enough. MP’s voting on the final deal for instance, that’s how Parliament is supposed to work after all. However when you scrape away the layers of cosmetics it becomes apparent that the entire framework of the government’s position is held together by the slim 52% majority for Leave last year. When you consider the myriad of falsehoods, misguided assumptions and outright lies that contaminated the EU referendum it’s not exactly a solid foundation in which to build from.

For all the nitpicks and bizarre ironies however, there is one question this rather risible government response has spawned in the back of my mind. That question is simply “why?”

The reasons as to why the dyed in the wool Brexiteers want to crash out of the EU vary, ranging from preposterous nationalism all the way to a conspiracy so deep you could write a most excellent book on the subject. Our own government’s rationale however, is much more unclear. Why are they ploughing on with a proposal that they know will be damaging? Why are they being so obtuse as to the concerns of the 16.1 million people who voted Remain? How can they claim with a straight face to be fighting for “the will of the people” yet deny those same people an infinitely more informed vote on the final terms?

Sadly, I don’t hold the answers. If I did I wouldn’t be a burnt out dope smoker hurtling towards 30 on a diet of Pringles and bargain basement breakfast cereals. However one thing is for certain. These are questions that all of us, whether we voted Leave or Remain, have to seriously ask ourselves.

Brexit is a decision that could last beyond a lifetime. Do you really want to have made such a decision without knowing all the facts?

The real reason people hate Boris Johnson

It’s been a sombre few days in the wake of the Parsons Green terror attack. The aftermath of such incidents is always a tempestuous time with finger pointing and scapegoating coming into direct conflict with calls for solidarity. Basically it’s such a clusterfuck of narratives that there’s little chance for much else to break through the haze.

Which is precisely why many were curious as to the timing of Parliamentary Potato Boris Johnson’s article detailing his vision for Brexit. The responses to this piece were largely negative, ranging from his motives being scrutinised to some questioning Boris’ grasp on reality. 

Though there was support from one fellow aristocratic anachronism.

jrm
Little known fact: Jacob Rees-Mogg uploads his tweets via telegram.

So far so predictable. Boris plunging his recently buffed shoe into an ominous mountain of faecal matter, quite possibly of his own making, is a regular occurrence and the reactions are often the same. Those possessing any semblance of scepticism will rip the limbs off his claims whilst his Etonian allies launch a staunch defence, all the while keeping a sharp blade close by in case a mutiny is required at short notice.

However, this time a rather idiosyncratic perspective emerged from the gloom courtesy of Daniel Hannan:

borischeerful
From the same reliable mind that brought you “Absolutely nobody is talking about threatening our place in the single market.”

Certainly the nuanced position. So perverse you’d expect my reaction to be one of incredulity but, to my surprise, it triggered something – an epiphany if you will.

I’d always suspected that my intense loathing reserved for the bulbous bumblefuck was down to more practical reasons. You know, the sort of duplicitous shit that impacts people’s lives? That drives our nation down the gutter for the benefit of personal advancement? Like, I don’t know…spearheading a campaign that knowingly misled the electorate? I mean we all saw it. Boris standing front and centre, doling out deceit through the medium of charming buffoonery. Does it matter that he didn’t really believe it? That his support for Leave was entirely disingenuous?

To Boris it certainly doesn’t. After all, what place is there for integrity when you’re manoeuvring to ram a knife into the spine of one of your oldest friends? There’s no room for such outmoded notions of decency in Boris’ schedule, not when he’s got subterfuge on the brain. He needn’t worry about being held accountable to those he so gleefully deceived either. Instead, he can just slither off into the background the moment consequence rears its timely head.

You could be mistaken into thinking that this is the behaviour of a particularly nefarious piss weasel, willing to brazenly mislead the public he claimed to serve for his own benefit. Pretty deplorable shit, right?

But no, people hate him because he smiles a bit.

rugby
Boris Johnson here, ploughing into a small child with a smile on his lips and a song in his heart.

In my naivety, I also fooled myself into thinking that perhaps his disputed competence could be the source of the unrelenting resentment towards Boris. It’s true that many of us are apathetic towards our jobs with this sometimes spilling over into outright ineptitude – but most of the jobsworth collective don’t find themselves winging it in a position of power and importance. Fucking up in Argos doesn’t tend to carry the same ramifications as fucking up as the Mayor of London for instance. Or fucking up as the Foreign Secretary. Or straight out fucking somebody you weren’t supposed to while on the Tory front bench. Naturally this sorry tale of staggering negligence is punctuated by his continued presence within influential government positions, poking the very concept of a meritocracy in the eye with every subsequent blunder.

You could be forgiven for considering this the employment pattern of a chancer, leaving the metaphorical motif of an indelible piss stain upon each establishment he degrades – all the while being enabled by his unscrupulous peers.

But no, he’s despised because he got stuck on a zip wire that one time.

CFmbjDY
Should have just left the fucker there.

I could continue on with this rather rudimentary barrage of sarcasm but the point has been laboured enough. It does bring me onto one rather noteworthy point however.

When viewed in the broadest possible terms Hannan’s statement is demonstrably ludicrous but there is a tiny fragment of truth buried beneath the landfill of insanity. Whilst it’s certainly not the most prominent of factors, a fair portion of the ire towards Boris is indeed down to his jovial tomfoolery.

Curiously Hannan seems to posit this as fatuous reasoning but nothing could be further from the truth. This preposterous Etonian omnishambles is our Foreign Secretary. To nations around the globe he’s the face of Britain as a diplomatic entity. We don’t want him publishing limericks about a foreign leader rogering a goat. We don’t want him careening like a bequiffed boulder into a former German international footballer. We just want him to be good at his job.

Brexit has taken a gargantuan piss into our pool of friends. The Foreign Secretary will be one of the key players if we’re ever to win back approval and craft Britain into a respected and formidable entity once again.

If anyone thinks that this role can be reliably carried out by a gurning caricature who’s most prominent skill is an uncanny ability to piss off almost everyone then who am I to stop you?

I just hope you’re still laughing when it comes time to reap what Boris has sown.